Kung Fu

Publisher: Nintendo
Year: 1985
Genre: Brawler – Side-Scroll

There was something of a martial arts craze in the 80’s brought on by the likes of the Karate Kid, The Last Dragon and Gymkata. Ok, maybe not so much Gymkata. Point being that it is generally agreed that in the 80’s, everybody was Kung Fu Fighting.

Those cats were fast as lightning.

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Ice Climber

Year: 1985
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Platform – Top-Scroll

Few games capture the true essence of the Esquimaux peoples of the arctic circle, expressing the spirit and character of the proud native heritage they all bear within them. This game isn’t one of them. This is a game about hitting polar bears with a hammer.

As culturally sensitive as the culture of the 80’s required.

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Hogan’s Alley

Year: 1985
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Shooting – Zapper


Growing up I wanted to be a great many things. I wanted to be an engineer, I wanted to own a pet shop, I wanted to be an investment banker (no, really) – a great many things. I never once, though, wanted to be an officer of the law. You know why? Because people shoot them!

We can’t all be fearless civil servants after all.

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Gyromite (Robot Gyro) and Stack-Up (Robot Block)

Year: 1985
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: R.O.B.

What is this?

What? You seriously think I’m going to go on Ebay, Craigslist or any of the other repositories of discarded junk that exist on the internet and elsewhere, dig up an R.O.B. and play one of these games with it? I’m sorry, do I really look that stupid to you? R.O.B. was a novelty item. I had the misfortune of encountering one when I was a kid, and remember wondering what kind of individual would use a robot that played exactly two games (badly) as a substitute for friends.

I don’t even…

John’s Rating: Gyromite (aka Robot Gyro) and Stack Up (aka Robot Block) 0.0 out of 5.0

Golf

Year: 1985
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Sports – Golf

I have never actually played the sport of golf. I’d like to try sometime – I understand that playing golf is a prerequisite for a career requiring any degree of PR – but I just haven’t ever had the opportunity. I once hit a golf ball with a golf club and, in an impressive feat of pure beginners luck, hit the post I was told to aim for.

But I’m skeptical of video games that try to take an already relaxing and generally unathletic* activity and turn it into a relaxing and generally unathletic game experience.

*Hate mail in 3… 2… 1…