Chubby Cherub

Year: 1986
Publisher: Bandai
Genre: Platform

Bandai, responsible for many of the most beloved brands and toy lines of the 1980’s and 1990’s, was also in the video game business at some point. This was a terrible, terrible mistake.

Trademark AND Copyright! They really wanted to protect the valuable Chubby Cherub IP!
Trademark AND Copyright! They really wanted to protect the valuable Chubby Cherub IP!

In this game, you’re a worthless stupid baby-angel who flies around like the world’s slowest mosquito trying to avoid being raped to death by dogs. That’s the most charitable description of this game I could write.

It's much worse than it looks.
It’s much worse than it looks.

John’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0, because this game is a steaming turd.

Dark JCO’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0. How does a game like this even get made? “I have this great idea for a game! You’re this chubby little angel guy who flies around and eats all these foodstuffs, but there are these dogs who try to stop you.” “BRILLIANT! Send it to presses!” “But we’re still in the concept phase…” “No, no, we only have five minutes. Send it to presses!”

That goddam dog...
That goddam dog…

Lord Nightmare’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0. So it’s a game about a fat angel? A fat angel who flies around eating what appear to be random foodstuffs. Is he naked? And he’s being attacked by… the dog from Duck Hunt? Oh, that dog! if I see that dog one more time…


Donkey Kong Jr. Math

Year: 1985
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Edutainment

The underlying concept of edutainment is that if you’re having fun while you learn, you will always love learning, and I’ll admit that the idea is sound. At the very least, I know that *I* enjoy learning, which has always driven me to learn pointless things that will never further my chosen career path (though at times I consider deviating to something more cosmopolitan than the legal profession such as concierge, game show contestant, or crazy homeless guy).

I digress. Allow me to introduce you to a sound argument against the proliferation of edutainment.

I’ve been playing Donkey Kong since my Atari days, and Donkey Kong Junior since only shortly thereafter (the aforementioned Gordon owned it, and I was thrilled by the delightful simian action it presented). I will also state that my mother, being of sound mind, never made the mistake of purchasing for me any game with “Math” in the title. So, with that in mind – namely that my childhood was untarnished by this game – this awful programming turd actually retroactively damaged my memories. I think I might actually like Donkey Kong less because of this.

So you’re a monkey and you solve math problems by competing with a second player. There really isn’t a single player mode, which is fine – you won’t want one anyway. That’s not to say you’ll want to play this with your friends, mind you. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if you play this with someone, you’re legally obliged to refer to them as your “victim.”

I “won”

John’s Rating: All in all, I give this game a 1.0 out of 5.0, but only because I already decided that if something can be reasonably classified as a “game,” I shall be obliged to rate it at least a 1.0.

Dark JCO’s Rating: I can’t believe that this is even classified as a game. It doesn’t have an ending screen or a single-player mode. It’s barely playable as a multiplayer game. If you want to teach people math, just teach math! 1.0 out of 5.0.

Lord Nightmare’s Rating: I like Donkey Kong Junior Math. It’s colorful and interesting. I like Math. I like little monkeys that climb the ropes and stuff. I just can’t find anyone who will play it with me. e^πi out of 5.0


Year: 1985
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Sports – Baseball

I suppose that not every game can have – or even needs – a clever title. After all, Contra is one of the most well-known and beloved games of all time, and “contra” just refers to resistance fighters in general. In some cases, however, a clever title – or even just a bit of elaboration on a fairly obvious title – seems to be in order.

Do you think they tried to trademark the name?

While I have to cut it some slack for being the very first baseball game released on the NES, I don’t have a lot of love for the game. Maybe it was because by the time I got to play it, I was already spoiled by all the significantly more advanced baseball games released subsequently. It’s possible, though, that the name just killed the interest for me. Either way, I might have to dig pretty hard to find good things to say about this game.

The controls are, to put it lightly, unpleasant to deal with. On top of being poorly mapped in general (just try to make a runner steal a base or continue running on a wild ball), the game doesn’t do a good job of actually indicating when you’re in control and when you’re not. After my runners unsuccessfully chased grounders well into the outfield a few times, I finally realized that it wasn’t my fault they weren’t getting them – I didn’t control that part. I wasn’t responsible for their actions until they actually put their hands on the ball.

I should come up with something funny to say about this, but there really isn’t anything funny to say. It’s just baseball.

The game also seems to ignore the infield fly rule.  Yes, it came up.

In the Wikipedia article, a reference is made to the variety of pitches that can be thrown through clever manipulation of the controller. Frankly, the difference between a fast ball and a slow ball is insufficient to affect even the lamest player’s reactions, and therefore moot. But, thanks, Wikipedia, for telling me that my slow pitching pitcher will eventually pitch even slower by wearing himself out.

All in all, it’s not the worst game out there – most likely, not even the worst baseball game – but I wouldn’t particularly recommend it.

John’s Rating: 2.0 out of 5.0, because I don’t have much good to say about it, but didn’t thoroughly hate the experience.

Dark Jco’s Rating: 1.0 out of 5.0 – I could probably give a better review if I liked the sport of baseball, but I don’t, so I just find this game boring.

Lord Nightmare: 1.0 out of 5.0. As far as I can tell, they captured all the boring and kind of dull aspects of baseball when they