M.U.S.C.L.E.

Publisher: Bandai
Year: 1986
Genre: Fighting
AKA: Tag Team Match MUSCLE

M.U.S.C.L.E. is an awful, ungodly little wrestling game based on a line of tiny vinyl inaction figures based on some Japanese series that, as far as I can tell, is a parody of Mexican masked wrestling. I didn’t delve much deeper than that, so knowing how anime usually turns out, they’re probably actually magical schoolgirls who transform into tiny vinyl figures to time travel and do battle with a vile alliance of Mark Twain and James Joyce in a literary showdown to decide the fate of the world. Wow, that sounds vastly more interesting than this game.

There is a 100% correlation between the involvement of Mattel in a video game and that video game's being incredibly awful. You'll see this more in future installments, I guarantee.
There is a 100% correlation between the involvement of Mattel in a video game and that video game’s being incredibly awful. You’ll see this more in future installments, I guarantee.

The actual gameplay involves moving around on screen, attacking your opponent, and doing nothing whatsoever of substance or interest. Seriously, nothing about this game is fun, clever or well-made. If M.U.S.C.L.E. is a parody of Mexican masked wrestling, the game is a parody of video games.

According to Wikipedia, the original Japanese game had a Nazi character named Brocken Jr., whose finisher was called the “Nazi Gas Attack.” He was replaced with a native American character called “Geronimo,” presumably to keep the theme of genocide without celebrating the perpetrator.

Sadly, only one graphical glitch showed up to watch the match that night between a knight in a mankini, Fu Manchu, a generic white guy and a more different generic white guy.
Sadly, only one graphical glitch showed up to watch the match that night between a knight in a mankini, Fu Manchu, a generic white guy and a more different generic white guy.

John’s Score: 1.0 out of 5.0. This game is so shitty that it insults shit to call it shitty. Not to sound overly like the Angry Nintendo Video Game Nerd here, but the game is terminally bland, chronically glitchy and, even if everything goes according to plan, duller than watching paint dry.

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