The Legend of Zelda

Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Adventure

The Legend of Zelda! What can I possibly say about it that has not already been said more eloquently than I am able? The game has spawned numerous sequels that range from awesome to bizarre, (to the TRULY UNSPEAKABLE) but the original Legend of Zelda is the one that spawned it all!

This is where it all begins
This is where it all begins

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New NES Games

Just the other day I was lamenting to my old pal The Admiral regarding my apparent inability to keep up with this blog. He patted me on the shoulder in a manner at once condescending and sympathetic and said, “Don’t worry, you’ll catch up – it’s not like they’re making any new games for the NES.” While I appreciate the sentiment, and I certainly don’t think that it’s an altogether unfair statement, what about…

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The 3D Battles of World Runner

Publisher: Square
Year: 1987
Genre: Action

It might surprise you to know that 3D imagery achieved through stereoscopy dates back to before the American Civil War. Yes, it’s true: 3D images have existed for nearly two hundred years now. So while the relatively new 3DS has garnered considerable hype, it should come as no surprise to even the youngest most naive reader that it is neither the first 3D Game System, nor the first example of 3D games.

But it does have the most elaborate title screen to date. So that's something.
But it does have the most elaborate title screen to date. So that’s something.

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Damsels in Distress

Although Mario and Luigi are naught but lowly plumbers by trade, they have well proved themselves renaissance men, having dabbled in such vocations as pest control, demolitions, and sports refereeing, to say nothing of their racing careers, ghost hunting expeditions, biohazard cleanup services and their disastrous forays into the hospitality industry and private education.

When it comes down to it, though, their most successful gigs have been in relation to the rescue of damsels in distress (DID for those of you in the biz). Today, I’d like to identify and examine the damsels of distress within the Mario franchise.

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Balloon Fight

Year: 1986
Publisher: Nintendo
Genre: Platform

Remember when you were a kid and balloons, powered by your imagination, could hoist you off the ground and into the stratosphere? Well, screw you, kid! That requires about a fafrillion balloons because physics, bitch! But you know where one can frequently take refuge from the doldrums of everyday physical reality? Video games, that’s where!

Moar liek physics atrocity, amiright?
Moar liek physics atrocity, amiright?

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